In a better place, space

12Aug12

I wrote about my forthcoming Raleigh revival a short while ago.

Well I got my beautiful bike on my birthday 12 days ago….I feel like a princess riding it! I have taken to riding it to work and then having it in my office all day (instead of locking it up on the bike racks) as I just like to look at it every now and then. Quite a different ride and only 5 gears, it’s hard to belive I rode it down Brown Mountain and along the coast for a week when I was 17.

I turned 51 twelve days ago. 51! Hard for me to believe that I am 51, but I think I’m going to like it more than 50. I didn’t mind turning 50 at all, but I was still in that raw grief stage. I have commented to a few people that this birthday was different. I do feel in a better place, a better space than I did a year ago.

Everyone and everything tells you that time heals, and it does, but it takes more than just time.

I love talking to and thinking about Jem. Not in a totally idealistic way. I get cranky at him, I sometimes feel like yelling at him, and I do. He was human and I know that. I was a confidant of his…

I will someday get all the emails he sent while he was ill, and his blog (he blogged reluctantly as advised by his psychologist when he first got ill) and put it all together online – not publish it but have it there privately to know that his words – or some of them – are in some space/place together.

And what of Alison, my darling older sister who died 16 years ago? I miss her also. I have grieved over and over for her loss for many years, and continue to. In fact when Jeremy died the enormity of having two siblings die of cancer seemed too big to contemplate. I am the eldest now, and when I am almost 54 I will be the oldest living sibling…

Now…to get fitter, to totally recover after feeling pretty awful for the last month. I have had energy and a more positive outlook on almost everything – and only just this weekend (although I felt pretty good on my birthday).

The days are getting longer.

Winter is coming (Game of Thrones reference) – well, no, it’s not!!

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