Let’s try and understand each other


Another interesting lunchbox videoconference session at work last week – this one dealing with communication breakdowns (from the same guy as the ‘choices are empowering’ post).

Lots of useful insights, things to think about…

As an adult we have choices. Yes – we have choices!

People live to a script – what is my personal script? or goal?

If my script is “have to be right” – then this can show in anger, frustration, resentment and rage.

If my script is uncertain – then this can show in fear, anxiety, worry, discouragement

If my script is unreachable – then this can show in guilt, shame or hopelessness

Goals/scripts like:

  • “I must please other people”
  • “I have to be right”
  • “I must not look foolish”
  • “It’s not safe to trust others”

 – these all affect our communication.

Gottman talks about the ‘four horsemen of the apocalypse’

  1. criticism
  2. defensiveness
  3. contempt
  4. stonewalling

conflict is an opportunity to understand that person more. Conflict can lead to intimacy. 

Conflict – two or more people wanting to be understood

So start with a ‘soft start up” – a soft tone, “is it OK if we have a chat about…”

What’s the driving force within me?

We all have our personal truths. Let’s try and understand each other.

Book – ‘Fierce conversations’ Susan Scott.

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