New life. Longer days. Warmth. Light.
You would not believe how many posts I have had in my head over the last few months. Hundreds. I am somewhere and I realise that I have composed a whole story in my head. All this means that apart from keeping it together, working, existing over the last few months, that is all I have really done.
I feel like I’ve been quite lazy but I think I’ve just shutdown a little in an attempt to get through. I don’t mean to sound dramatic. Looking at me, you would say that I am keeping it together, and I am, but I am so sad. I feel such loss. Probably just a defence – a way to get through.
Things have changed. Of course they have, and in some ways for the best. Some of Jeremy’s friends are now much closer friends. We all seem to need to be together, retain the link. We don’t sit around in silence or sadness. We laugh, we reminisce, we cry. But it’s all so good. It’s like we give each other permission to mourn in a way. I have also noticed that I am spending quite a lot of time with Jeremy’s children – again – it seems we all have the need to share, to be, with each other. I quite love that. They are such beautiful people. I am so proud of them. They are living, breathing Jeremy. But themselves as well of course.
I have spent a bit of time over the last few months being really angry with Jeremy. Really freaking angry at him going. It’s almost easy not being here, leaving us with all this sadness. I don’t know where he *is* now, but he is at peace and out of suffering, whereas we still are. I actually didn’t realise how much I talked things through with Jem. I mean, I have a wonderful, caring partner, but a big brother, is well…a big brother, and I do miss that relationship and him. There are whinges about my parents that Carl just doesn’t get (and Jem did!).
Max is doing it hard. Of course he is. I’ve stayed with him a few times and the flat, Potts Point – just ooze Jeremy. Max is in the Czech Republic at the moment, at home with his parents,and seeing friends – but he will be back here, his other home, at the end of the month. I can only give him my love and support.
And it is all so freaking tiring. This grief. So many ads about cancer.
I know I need to get on. Spring is just starting to peep through. New life. Longer days. Warmth. Light.
x
Filed under: Kate | 4 Comments
Tags: state of mind
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Strawberries of Integrity 
You would not believe how many posts I have had in my head over the last few months.
I would believe it… I do it all the time… there’s plenty of writing in my head, very little on the page… there’ll be an app to remedy that soon, don’t you worry! 🙂
I’ve been wondering how you are, but haven’t managed to ask… I’m not surprised by the strengthening of relationships. My brother and I did not get along before Mum died. Now we do. It seems as if we were reminded of what we might lose, but also the sharing of memories – retaining the link as you say. There’s a shared experience of the person that others don’t have.
Everything you write reasonates so strongly and there is nothing to add really. But I needed to write … something! Something more…
Love, Rachael
thanks Rachael
an app to remedy that- that would be good…or bad…stream of consciousness! eeek
This is probably a weird thing to say but I really like your post here.
not weird at all Penny, thanks.