I have found it very hard over the last few weeks doing much.
I’m at work and I’m busy and I’m producing things. I’m holding it together.
At home I collect the eggs, walk the dogs, clean, shop and cook nice meals. In fact I am really enjoying cooking.
But sometimes I feel like I’m in a fog.
Sometimes things look really clear. Winter actually helps in that respect because the trees are so bare and at times they have such a clarity and a starkness that I just find quite amazing. Winter light too is so stark and clear, crisp. I want, seek this clarity.
No I’m not going mad. I am in mourning. I am still grieving.
In fact a couple of months on and my grief has taken a slightly different turn. I still grieve often and long, but don’t want to bring others down by appearing sad. I perform at work and I perform at home.
I’m keeping it all together.
But at times there is a resentment that this is normal, that things have gone back to normal, and yet it doesn’t feel normal to me. Life goes on. But life has changed. Change is OK but this change without Jeremy alive is a hard change.
I have had moments when I have wished I did more, he lived longer, I did something different. I’m willing to make a bargain with someone, something…so that things will be different.
I try and rationalize and intellectualize and think because I know about grief that it will help.
Well it does and it doesn’t.
I saw a counsellor today, a psychologist today. I talked, she talked. I don’t know that I found out anything new, but I do think it helped talking with someone who doesn’t know me at all.
She suggested that I spend some time each day very consciously and actively grieving and thinking about Jeremy. See I thought I was already doing that, but realize that I have been trying to help others…Max, mum and dad. I have been trying not to appear too sad around the children…because I don’t want my sadness to be theirs.
nothing is right. Nothing is wrong.
It just is.
Anyway – this writing helps, purges some of my feelings, some of my doubts.
I know time will help.
I know that.
I’ve read about it. People tell me.
I plan treats. Last week it was a massage and lunch out. This weekend its a weekend away with Carl. Next month its some time with friends. The following month a raod trip and a wedding. The month after a holiday planned in NZ. These are all things to look forward to. I know this.My family, colleagues and friends continue to surround and support and love me. This is all most wonderful.
But it doesn’t stop the grief, the pain, the longing.
I’m Ok. I know I will be. I know it will be.


4 Responses to “Clarity”

  1. Thank you for sharing your journey. I hope it helps you, I know it gives me insight into something I have yet to experience on such a personal level, but know will have to at some stage. Thank you for your honesty and for you clarity. Know my thoughts are with you.

  2. 2 Penny

    what Michelle said. And don’t be afraid to share on here.

  3. I feel for you, as I am awaiting a similar fate with my brother this year who is terminally ill. I am grieving already, and actually am crying as I write this. It is OK to cry and it is OK to grieve. In fact we cannot possibly be human without this. It hurts though, sometimes too much. I am glad you have good kin to support you.

    • 4 strawberriesofintegrity

      Oh. I feel for you.
      Please take care.
      I can be there for you, but it will be your journey.

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