Shoes to fill


If the shoe fits, big shoes to fill.

Lots of sayings about shoes – well I have just thought of two.

And boy. I know that no-one can fill Jem’s. How could they?

Another busy week and the thing that upsets me at the moment is feeling that  Jem is already fading just a little in my head. I remember feeling the same way when Alison died. Does it make it better coping that the memory shifts a little, fades a little?

It’s a different time in this grief. Things getting back to normal. But what is normal after your brother dies? A part of me wants to rebel. Don’t let things change. I don’t want normal.

Jem spent his last few months using a walking stick. His left foot was palsied as a result of the second craniotomy and when I’m at Springfield Ave I can still hear the tap (of walking stick) followed by a shoe footfall (is that the right word?)

And life goes on. Jack is 18 tomorrow. I never thought in my 20s that I would have children, but what an absolute delight and pleasure they have been. I think I have learnt more through having two children than anything else I have so far experienced (although having two siblings die too early has certainly been part of my growth, self realisation, self actualisation).

And of course part of me doesn’t want life to go on. I don’t mean I don’t want to live. I do. It just doesn’t seem fair that Jem is not here (because if he was I would have to text him tomorrow to remind him of Jack’s birthday!!)

Friends and family continue to astound and comfort me. thanks x

2 Responses to “Shoes to fill”

  1. 1 Polyxena

    It’s a long journey and there will always be triggers to memories like the texting about Jack’s birthday. These are sad reminders but you want to have them as they are happening in parallel to the other stuff you mention, the fading and reducing of immediacy. There’s lots to deal with. Ax

  2. 2 zuzu

    Aw Kate. Sad mournful post. But yeah, we move on even when they are walking no more with us, but they are still with you forever. People are like that. They last way beyond the human body.

    Happy birthday to Jack. Astonishing they have grown up at such a rapid rate. Yeah I say ‘they’ here as well cause I still remember them as tiny tots. They are different now… Hopefully they remember us like you remember Alison and Jem. Forever.


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