I’m really hoping that writing something will help

09May11

*I don’t want to upset anyone with this post, or subsequent posts. You can chose to read or not read. This post is a direct cut and paste from notes that I wrote on my iPad during the last few weeks. Some is dated, some is not. Jeremy died just after 2pm on Wednesday 4 May*

I’m really hoping that writing something will help.
When I left Jem this morning he was so scared and upset.
What do you say when someone says that they are scared of dying?

I think I have words and then I just find that I don’t.
Love. Love is all you need.
He was loved and loved so much and so hard himself.
I found out such beautiful things about him.
How admired and loved and well regarded he was by so many different people. Even when he was sick he was engaged and responsive and concerned and loving.

Angry that I have run out of time with him.
Life will not be the same with him gone.

Journey has been hard and relentless and times.

So very sad.

3.5.11
Greedy wanted more anticipatory grief
Released how unprepared I was
Sunday night after seeing him during the day. Max said that he was slurry in speech. Monday morning he was confused and his speech didn’t make sense. Operation postponed and they did a CT scan on his head. Found three masses, thought that they were tumours, but now think it might have been three mini strokes. Heavily medicated after a day when mum and dad both though he would die. Kath was at hospital and said that Sarah and I should come. Got to Sydney at 7pm. Jeremy had spent part of the day trying to get out. Now on heavier medication one of which will make him feel quite nice. We called Tim, Sophie and Amelia and they all came. Very upset and distressed as you can imagine. We caught a taxi back to the flat at about 10.30. Awful, awful sleep and wait to make sure that Carl got back to Canberra OK. He sent me a text at 1am. Nothing seems to have meaning. We are all robots about the flat. Teary. Exhausted Hollow One life

In silence speak to Jeremy and say all you need to say, let him know how much you care and love him, how sad you feel and that you don’t want him to suffer anymore. It’s alright for him to go, that in spirit there is no separation, there is only love, and you will always be eternally connected.

10.30 3.5.11
We are all just sitting and waiting.
Mum
Amelia
Sarah
Tim
Dad
Sophie
Max
All reading and drinking and thinking and hoping and loving and praying and hoping in each and every way for peace and love to flow through and into Jeremy. Since that horrid Wednesday when we got the news of the multiple mets on the spine, Jeremy has looked both preoccupied, scared, tired, worried, anxious – sometimes all at once. Sometimes just one of these emotions but with an intensity and a almost fear in his eyes. What seems obvious to me today is flashbacks to Alison dying. Fifteen years and even so. A sadness that I feel will Crush me, stop me breathing. Every so often someone goes up to Jem and gives him a kiss or rubs his arms or his beautiful fingers , two of which are going black. I just feel that his body is shutting down. He is so sedated. Not even sure what functions are working. Not even sure if he can see. He can’t swallow. Not taking in any nutrition but fluids. Doesn’t seem to be able to swallow. Taking regular morphine and other drugs through sites in his stomach. Catheter now in but not much urine. Lying on a sheepskin now as bedsores will become a problem, a worry. I know hedidnt want a undignified death. This part has just come so quickly now…but then will it be quick. The doctors and specialist will pour in today at some time, palliative care team in at some stage. Hope? Love? Strength?

12pm
Heard those dreaded words – body is shutting down – this black finger tips an indication. His chest is rattling too. One lung doesn’t help and infections happen. They won’t prescribe antibiotics as this will only prolong. They will keep him comfortable and sedated. Another back rub and moving him around a bit.

There is a variety of seating. Different people at different times come in, come out, get coffee, take a walk, by themselves, with someone, make a call. Time lapse photography would show this moving, shifting mass of people – all centered around Jem.

6pm
Long long day. Visits from physicians and specialists who all say the same thing – that Jem is comfortable and that is how he shall be. If they have to up the medication that is fine. We are really just being left alone because there is not much more that can be done. Jem is on oxygen. The drip has meant that his lung is rattly and moist. He involuntarily lifts up his right arm every now and then. Max says this is from when they were at the flat and if the pain was bad in his back he would lift himself up with his arm to relieve the pressure Shutting down. Black fingertips. Rattly old lung. Just the one.

I kissed his head. He smells different. Am I hysterical to presume that I can smell him going? All peace and love to my most beautiful beautiful brother. I am angry that I didn’t really take advantage of the anticipatory grief. I would have liked more time to take advantage of that. I am sad that we won’t get that time in the winter sun.

He’s gone
2000 miles
Is very far

After Jem died I said that I don’t have a brother anymore That’s not true. I have a brother. A most beautiful brother – who is just not here at the moment. And Jeremy was such a lovely caring person, something I really noticed especially during the last few months (did you notice even in pain he was interested and worried in what you were doing?) he would want us to take lots and lots of care and of each other. Jeremy loved Jeremy loved being loved. And he would want us all to love each other and look after each other. Please look after Tim and Sophie and Amelia Please look after Max Look after each other Love each other At the risk of sounding like an old hippie – love each other.

OK after two double drambuiies I am pissed
.
I love how we are sitting around talking about Jem and he’s here and that’s wonderful

The respiratory physician cried and came to see him

Sent from my iPad=

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One Response to “I’m really hoping that writing something will help”

  1. 1 bookgrrl

    Oh Kate, my sympathy, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
    xo


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