Tenuous

21Mar11

I think I’m doing OK. I am actually in a better head space than I was at the beginning of the year.

I think I’m doing OK and I think a way of coping is definitely to spend time and rationalize it all and think it’s all going to be OK.

Last week when I was back home I almost felt guitly not being around Jeremy.

I know I can’t spend very waking moment with him. We all have our own lives and we haven’t lived together as part of a family for over 30 years. I haven’t even lived in the same city as him for the last 20 years. But I’ve always connected to Jem. He tells me things. I remember on his wedding day how Jem told me how much in love he was with Amanda. I remember when his first child was born and how he rang me in London to tell me the news. I remember spending lots of time with him and Mandy and Sophie when my long term relationship broke up. I remember him talking to me when he left Mandy and came out. I remember him telling me about this guy he had met….I remember the phone call when he rang 20 months ago to tell me there was a shadow on his lung.

It’s pouring rain here and the evening is setting in. I’m in Sydney, but this time spending a few days with one of my oldest friends Laura. Laura’s mum, Natalie passed away last week. There will be a ceremony on the weekend to celebrate her life and probably/possibly a burial at sea in a week or so (well that is the plan at present).

Of course all of this is adding to my slight gloom.

I think I’m OK and then something happens, a trigger, a memory.

For Laura today it was finding a embroidery of a cat she did for Natalie when Laura’s daughter, now 36, was tiny. A weeping time.

For me today it was talking to Jem and him just (almost casually observing) that the pain has changed ever so slightly.

Immediately I am thrown into despair, doubt.

What does this mean? Pain changing, a sign of something?

He is seeing a specialist on Wednesday and I will see him tomorrow afternoon for a couple of hours on my way back home.

Tenuous.

Life is so very tenuous.

Although I have now looked up the word tenuous and it’s not what I mean. Tenuous apparently means ‘thin’ or slender, of little significance, weak, insubstantial, flimsy, vague.
That is not life! Perhaps the tenuous bit is just our grip on life, on earth?
x

Sorry clearly not making a lot of sense, but helping me.

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8 Responses to “Tenuous”

  1. 1 kalgrl

    oh *hugs*

  2. 2 Nicky A

    Miss Kate, I love how you write and how you share. This blog has moved me to tears. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Loads of love to you xx

  3. 3 zuzu

    Sweetheart take care. A lovely post. Not really the correct word to use under the circumstances, but lovely for you to share this. xx

  4. Thinking of you sitting and listening to the same Sydney rain as I am tonight x

  5. There are “thin” places in our lives where the fullness we’ve experienced prior to particular events seems to contract and focus on one particular thread.

  6. 6 strawberriesofintegrity

    Actually – a day later I think I do mean tenuous as in fragile, flimsy.
    x

  7. 7 patrice

    Yes Kate, that’s right, life is just fragile..awfully fragile..and makes no sense..so we just try to do what we can to get through it all..i go to the movies a lot, eat out a lot as well and sit alone in my room and talk to my sons on the phone and thats enough for now..
    maybe next year I will think about saving the world..

    Ps- I can’t believe that Lauras daughter is that old!! I last say her when she was about 8 i think!
    P xx

  8. Belated response (what’s new), but I read tenous to mean just that – our grip on life, our attachment to this earth. It *is* fleeting and flimsy… I guess we live attempting to make it not feel that way. We make connections and weave relationships that tie us all together and make meaning and maybe make it feel not tenuous for a while… I’m enjoying the sun today. Hope you are too.


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