I liked this article – This connected life# - because it kind of describes my distracted, connected, darting self. I am annoyed that I’m not reading half as much as I used to…these days it’s a struggle to get through my bookgroup book and that’s one book a month. I used to easily read a couple of books a week. Easy. Now I go to bed to read and find myself checking, checking email, checking Instagram, checking Twitter, checking my feeds, there is just so much to check, and read, and skim, and not read….And podcasts have sort of taken over also, as they are a great alternative when I feel a little too tired to read, but again…the reading suffers!

And we are a bit like that at home just now. We all tap away at our various devices in the evening (be they iPad, phones, TV, laptops, Playstation). And sometimes we are all tapping away in different rooms!! Not connecting with each other. Connecting to others. All in our own worlds. This situation has been exacerbated in the last few weeks. Carl has been working long hours with a 50th anniversary of the Phytotron, Jack has had two weeks uni holidays then a week of exams, Isabel has been finishing up assessment, and is now on holidays, and I am just distracted around the edges and being slightly disillusioned with work. Isabel has been complaining that she never sees Jack, we haven’t had a meal all together for weeks as Jack’s exams this last week have all been at night. What’s going on??

So….here I am on the laptop, Sunday afternoon….it’s getting cool after a wonderful autumn day. And I’m trying to connect and be a bit more mindful about this all…how? Outside on the deck, both dogs at my feet. Carl is polishing shoes (cowboy boots, three pairs of Docs and my black boots), the chiminea is alight and giving warmth. The parrots are shredding the seeds on the Chinese elm.

Yesterday I made an almond, raspberry chocolate cake. I made a pot of tea and got everyone out of their separate rooms. We had a piece of cake and a cup of tea. Together! Stuff like that is important.

all good.

# I realise that you won’t see all of this article unless you get the print or read online through your uni access (and we don’t even have this issue online yet through Informit)!!

Bit rushed this post…but the fire beckons!

Have had a few unhappy weeks at work – just not sure where I am going and the future and whether I should even stay in librarianship? But then reality sets in and I realise that whatever I want to do – I have to think about it a bit more carefully and plan a bit. Being 51 is also a factor. I haven’t been for a job interview in quite a number of years – eight? And years working in the Commonwealth Employment Service (CES) as an employment person - I have some idea what I am talking about.

Not at all sure if I want to stay in academic libraries, have always said I don’t want to work in a public service library, so not sure what else there is.

It’s funny when you are not happy that your mind goes everywhere…I had a lovely time down at Broulee on the weekend and fantasised as I came home on the bus that Carl got a redundancy and we moved down the coast and I continued working 3-4 days a week in Canberra, rented a room with friends and got to coach on down to the coast for a long weekend every weekend….

I love the place at work at – the university, just not where my job and the part of the organisation is going….but I can’t say a whole lot more, even in a personal blog as I got outed about a comment I made last year – comment here….. (see I am doing it again).

So, in the meantime I am enjoying….

• the garden, want to plant that garlic and get some winter veg in
• taking photos
• embarking on something crafty (really me?) for the birth of a baby in May…
• planning twelve weeks overseas next year
• cooking! I love cooking!
• music, podcasts, reading
• mini breaks
• getting my cholesterol down from 6. Not life threatening, more annoying

…sort of the usual, but with more mindfulness and appreciation of all the beauty in my life. For there is beauty. I know that. I don’t want to live in the future, I don’t want to dwell on the past. I need to be more mindful in the present.

But autumn blows me away each year. And yes, inevitably I fall into a small heap about now…for autumn is my time of grief, the loss of my sister 17 years ago in April, and then the loss of my brother in May 2 years ago. Loss doesn’t quite sum it up does it? One word. Four letters.

My sister Alison hasn’t been around for a long time now….it’s almost getting to that tricky stage of imagining what she would now be like. Right now. 17 years on. Older but the same. The same but different. Still horribly missed. Time heals…

Different with Jem. We had this special thing that I just don’t/didn’t get with either of my sisters. The talking things over and through. Sharing some of the same frustrations. Sharing the joy. Sharing those last few months of life so intensely. That’s the frustration. The loss.

Interesting article on the five stages of grief – BBC Future/Are there really five stages of grief

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

or

• disbelieve
• yearning
• anger
• depression
• acceptance

And we are all different, yet the same in ways, different times, different circumstances.

I think I swing most often between a real yearning (I miss those conversations, those phone calls!) and anger. Really pissed off that I am now thrown into the role of eldest sibling. Yearning is more pleasant and warming in a way.

And I have no funeral plans…really! But I do want music and light and sunshine when I do go….and I want the music to include Patti Smith singing ‘After the gold rush’. I love Neil Young singing this, but I especially love Patti’s version…

“The last song on the record, I performed live with my son, Jackson, and my
daughter, Jesse,” says Smith. “I wanted the album to end like dawn breaking, and
I thought of the type of song that I wanted to write. But then I was in a café
and I happened to hear Neil Young’s ‘After the Gold Rush,’ and I thought,
‘Neil’s already written it.’”

Read more: http://www.rollingstone.com/music/videos/premiere-patti-smith-on-new-after-the-gold-rush-cover-20120604#ixzz2Nm6fE6qk

So much to say. I have so many draft posts. I feel a flood coming.

I have only blogged about the process a couple of times during last year (that’s 2012!) – at the beginning, and about mid way through.

It’s great to see all the photos as thumbnails together – and it recaps the year nicely.

So it possibly wasn’t the most exciting of years – no overseas travel to go on about – but work trips interstate to Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide; quite a few weekends away to Sydney, Depot Beach, Narooma, Bowral, Huskisson (quite a few times) and Broulee - all keep me sane! I saw and heard the wonderful Jeffrey Eugenides and Jack White and danced the night away to Canberra punk rock bands from 30 odd years ago. And some theatre trips and movies and bookgroups, and some lovely parties and lots of work in between where I presented at a library conference in Sydney and then again at the National Library. And food…some delicious food consumed and made.

And Carl and Jack and Isabel, and the dogs- especially Memphis, and the chooks and just being alive.

Don’t want to sound corny but I will…still I think very much in recovery from the trauma of 2011. And menopause, yes menopause. I like to blame Jeremy for pretty much not having a period since he died…shock and the right body time anyway I guess. So I think I have got though menopause pretty much OK for there were other matters such as grief to work through. Incredibly tired at times and the getting hot effect (in bed I have my feet, legs and bottom pretty much always on top of the doona), but it’s another change, stage, time in life… And in 2012 I was sick, not just a cold, but a flu like lurgy that kept me in bed for a week. And don’t get me started on my changing body shape…a thickish middle section (even if Isabel says lovely things such as “you’re one curvy lady mum…”). I am loving body balance and pump at the gym. I think I first started yoga in year 9, so over 35 years? Exercise and the daily walks on Mt Ainslie are really vital. And walks on the beach even better!

… (yay for ellipsis)…they say so much…

This year I want to stretch myself a little, or a lot.

Stretch my body and stretch my mind…

(Ok so possibly now the ellipsis are just getting annoying).

So huzzah for 366 and 2012, but onwards.

xx

Well as usual – I confess to being a mix

I’m a bit of a ‘book buster’ – well a well-worn book is clearly a great book, a favourite (although my mum keeps her books in pristine condition, so I hardly ever borrow from her). I especially love the books that come back from two week’s camping at the beach – they are chock full of sun and sand!

I am also a bit of a ‘delayed onset reader #1′ – I seem to buy a bunch of books – usually based on reviews, blog posts, other reading – and then not get around to reading them…well not yet. Piles on the bookshelf. Piles next to my bed. I have a pretty large wish list on Book Depository – and buy a few every so often. I also have fave authors – and want copies of all of their books, to keep!  – like Tim Winton, Rohinton Mistry, Annie Proulx to name a few.

I am a bit of a ‘multi tasker’ or a ‘promiscuous reader’ as I am guilty of dipping in and out of books – but I don’t think that’s a bad thing anyway? And it’s not that I confuse characters or plots – I just forget stuff!!

I am definite a ‘sleepy bedtime’ reader. There are hundreds of times when I have fallen asleep reading…just hundreds!  And Carl generally witnesses my shame…I used to read all night (a very long time ago)

And finally – I like the idea of a ‘it’s complicated‘ reader – a bit of everything really…”You are a combination of many of these things and yet completely different, too. Each book means a new type of reader exists in your soul; you refuse to be defined or categorized. You are a freeform, wild, woolly entity. You do whatever you want. You’re probably a pisces. You’re definitely a reader”.

But you know I’m not a Pisces!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/katiett/5477653199/sizes/m/in/photostream/

(my notes)

If change is so normal, why is it so hard?

• unexpected outcomes
• challenges values, ideals, expectations, skills
• fear of the unknown
• fear of leaving what you know, the habit
• fear of being out of control
• emotionally challenging
• momentum of the existing

but it’s a part of life.

reactions to change (think of an iceberg – most of it is hidden) – depends on

• past experience
• personality
• coping mechanisms
• feelings
• values
• support
• thinking style

cycle……. shock > denial > resistance > exploration > committment

Resilience

• cope with stress
• adapt positively
• bounce back from a negative experience
• is not a personality trait
• it can be learned (a way of thinking)

characteristics of a resilient person

• accept situations
• see all sides
• positive/moving forward
• handle relationships well

Prayer of serenity…

Think of a situation

• what can you not change
• what can you change?

“learned optimists”

optimists learn to change how they think (Martin Seligman)

when difficult things happen – how we chose to see them determines

• how we feel
• how resilient we are
• unhelpful self talk

A non resilient person sees a negative event as

1. permanent
2. pervasive
3. personal

this is the opposite to resilience

resilient thinking, bad events are

1. temporary – there is always hope for change in the future
2. specific – just because one thing goes wrong
3. not personal/not entirely your fault – usually many factors

think of a challenge

• question is not – do I think that this is true
• question is – is focussing on this the helping me to cope? pragmatic,give it perspective

social systems: when a system is under stress – it is harder to hold onto to what you want to be  and you get sucked in into the system of anxiety….

In times of change and uncertainly, how can you choose not to contribute to the anxiety that is bouncing around. What would it take?

• conscious, pausing and thinking
• being informed
• not contributing to gossip
• breath

When stuff happens, psychologically – gut reaction, and need the frontal lobe stuff to catch up, sooooo

• name the emotion
• humour as relief
• pull back and observe thought processes
• view change as an opportunity

change = stress management, a demand on you

• sleep
• relaxation
• alcohol – but remember it’s a depressant
• nutrition
• exercise

Mindful breathing

• slow
• yoga
• 10 deep slow breathes, mindful, concentrate…Working on that resilience, ‘cos it can always do with a little work

Well I have heard it call the white poison, sugar that is.

Was a book group this week. We were talking about Mitch Albom’s new book – ‘The time keeper’. I am not a huge fan…I read ‘The five people you must meet in heaven’ and didn’t enjoy it. And I didn’t like this new one either – he is a little too simplistic, obvious and, as Rosy from bookgroup said ‘preachy’. But even a bad book has its moments. Ele (another bookgroup gal) talked about the notion of ‘being mindful’, and this book does do that – makes you stop and think about time, the passage of time and why are we also so time poor.

And that got me thinking about where I am trying to go at the moment with food and eating. I am trying to be more mindful…really watching my intake of sugar, and of alcohol.

So since Monday (it’s now Sunday afternoon) – I have had three lots of sugar…

• some sugar in some sticky chicken wings I made on Tuesday – you cannot make sticky chicken wings without some type of sugar or honey
• six shell chocolates – these I did savour – a small box of chocs that Carl gave me last weekend…
• a tahini ball – that had honey, dried fruit in it – made by a friend and again, really savoured!!

And alcohol, well

• two gin and tonics on Friday evening
• a gin and tonic and half a bottle of fizzy Pinot Noir on Saturday evening

all ingested with much mindfulness….

My next sugar hit may well be a small slice of orange creme brulee tart from Silo. This may be my mindful indulgence later this evening or tomorrow. For you see Jack’s girlfriend, the lovely Christina – works at Silo on Saturdays and often brings the most delicious bags of treats!

Not at ALL sure where this will go…but it’s kinda fun at the moment.

Well I got my beautiful bike on my birthday 12 days ago….I feel like a princess riding it! I have taken to riding it to work and then having it in my office all day (instead of locking it up on the bike racks) as I just like to look at it every now and then. Quite a different ride and only 5 gears, it’s hard to belive I rode it down Brown Mountain and along the coast for a week when I was 17.

I turned 51 twelve days ago. 51! Hard for me to believe that I am 51, but I think I’m going to like it more than 50. I didn’t mind turning 50 at all, but I was still in that raw grief stage. I have commented to a few people that this birthday was different. I do feel in a better place, a better space than I did a year ago.

Everyone and everything tells you that time heals, and it does, but it takes more than just time.

I love talking to and thinking about Jem. Not in a totally idealistic way. I get cranky at him, I sometimes feel like yelling at him, and I do. He was human and I know that. I was a confidant of his…

I will someday get all the emails he sent while he was ill, and his blog (he blogged reluctantly as advised by his psychologist when he first got ill) and put it all together online – not publish it but have it there privately to know that his words – or some of them – are in some space/place together.

And what of Alison, my darling older sister who died 16 years ago? I miss her also. I have grieved over and over for her loss for many years, and continue to. In fact when Jeremy died the enormity of having two siblings die of cancer seemed too big to contemplate. I am the eldest now, and when I am almost 54 I will be the oldest living sibling…

Now…to get fitter, to totally recover after feeling pretty awful for the last month. I have had energy and a more positive outlook on almost everything – and only just this weekend (although I felt pretty good on my birthday).

The days are getting longer.

Winter is coming (Game of Thrones reference) – well, no, it’s not!!

(but really via Pip from Meet me at Mikes has a 1 word meme on her blog).

1. Where is your mobile phone? right on the table beside me!

2. Your hair? unwashed, messy, needs a cut/colour

3. Your mother? in UK

4. Your father? in UK probably near my mum

5. Your favourite food? just one – porridge (at the moment)

6. Your dream last night? forgettable

7. Your favourite drink? wine, gin, fresh orange juice (I’m a failure at this one…)

8. Your dream/goal?

9. What room are you in? kitchen/family room

10. Your hobby? just one? i love gardening, walking, music, reading, cooking

11. Your fear? some sort of chronic illness, becoming intolerant

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? working part time, travelling

13. Where were you last night? shopping, home

14. Something that you aren’t? unhappy

15. Muffins? raspberry

16. Wish list item? a pretty summer dress (elegant, slimming!)and then I’ll throw a party

17. Where did you grow up? Sydney mainly

18. Last thing you did? baked a lemon yoghurt syrup cake

19. What are you wearing? jeans, fleecy, runners

20. Your TV? Sony

21. Your pet? Memphis

22. Friends? scattered and loved

23. Your life? challenging, but seeing the light

24. Your mood? i have energy,

25. Missing someone? mum, dad, Alison and Jeremy

26. Vehicle? Subaru

27. Something you’re not wearing? earrings

28. Your favorite store? shops in galleries and museums, op shops

29. Your favorite color? Purple

30. When was the last time you laughed? today!

31. Last time you cried? couple of days ago?

32. Your best friend? Carl

33. One place that I go to over and over? work!

34. One person who emails me regularly? emails? apart from work, no one regularly, now if you said text or phone….

35. Favorite place to eat? Italian and Sons for a treat

Clearly I am a big fail at this.

One word you say?

Sorry….not!!

Another Guardian book list…with a title and content that is always going to draw comment. It’s the world’s most difficult books:… “books that are hard to read for their length, or their syntax and style, or their structural and generic strangeness, or their odd experimental techniques, or their abstraction”.

The titles?
Nightwood by Djuna Barnes;
A Tale of a Tub by Jonathan Swift;
The Phenomenology of Spirit by GF Hegel;
To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf;
Clarissa, or, The History of a Young Lady by Samuel Richardson;
 Finnegans Wake by James Joyce;
Being and Time by Martin Heidegger;
The Faerie Queene by Edmund Spenser;
The Making of Americans by Gertrude Stein;
and Women and Men by Joseph McElroy.

and my count is 2.

Well not true, I have the Djuna Barnes and the Virginia Wolf books- and I haven’t read either of them…

So reading an article and a list of *difficult reads* is not motivating for me at all! I don’t find it challenging. I guess my to-read pile is quite enormous without being challenged by difficult books. Sounds like a *difficult* child a bit doesn’t it?

I have never read any Virgina Wolf though (well none that I remember) and I have a few…so I should start with them, because I would like to read Virgina Wolf. I read loads of Katherine Mansfield in my 20s and I loved her.

And I wouldn’t mind reading Gertrude Stein and The Faerie Queene – well I feel I ought to sometime…

ah lists!!!

Currently reading The Solid Mandala- Patrick White. I read his “The Vivisector” at uni in the early 80s and didn’t like him/it at all. Only one chapter in so far- the bus trip with Mrs Poulter and Mrs Dun (if you have read it) – which I quite enjoyed.